I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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