tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
