I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
