She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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