this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
