her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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