thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
