u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
