Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
So squirting runs in the family.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
