how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
