He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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