the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
