I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he shaved USA in his pubs
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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