I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
