that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You can't motorboat a personality
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
