You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
