If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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