I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Randomize
