I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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