Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize