You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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