I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
