fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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