Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
