I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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