Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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