Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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