I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
