just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
