3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
