I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
someone threw a dead crab at me
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
