Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
