Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
