I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
