He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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