ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
