It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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