My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
love makes seman taste better
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
