Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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