his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
