guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
