How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
