I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
