Will you blow on my dice?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you win again, gameday.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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