There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
