It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize