and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
