Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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