so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
