I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
