so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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