i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
