Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
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