My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
