lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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