I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
