mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
