You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
