i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
