I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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