God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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