Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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