God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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