look no pants
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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