Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
