I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
a search helicopter?!
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
