I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize