I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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