Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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