Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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