i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
