Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
