Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize