the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
