My friends, they love my intelligence
i permit you to call me
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
